Thou shalt not poke fun at the bald gentleman or else a bear shalt be sicced upon thee.
All you cheeky little gadflies, the next time you see a chrome dome and feel the restless itch to ridicule him, make sure you are friends with Iron Man or Captain America. Because the shiny head may just set a bear on you if he gets displeased, just like Mr. Eliseus. Apparently, he got so hacked off with the bald bantering that he cursed impish kiddos with the name of the Lord, who then sent two big bears to maul them. OMG.
We do not intend to make fun of the Bible. It's just that there were a few stories that we stumbled upon, in the Bible that threw us in a snafu. Our holy guide has some really crazy and odd things mentioned in it, take for example this defecation-doused disgraceful death of King Eglon (whoa, I'm a dab hand at alliteration).
So, King Eglon was a bad guy who gave a real bad time to the people of Israel. Enter our savior, Ehud, the southpaw Jew who decided to free Israelites. He was left-handed. He was one smart chap who strapped a double-edged sword to his right thigh, cashed on his sinistrality (read left-handedness) because he could already imagine the expression on the face of the grossly fat king on seeing him pull out the sword with his left hand. But this is still okay, the story takes a ca-ca turn when after thrusting the sword in Eglon's repugnant gut, his gross fat engulfs Ehud's hand and the hilt of the sword. As if you were not grossed out by this oppressive king's obesity and obstinate fat that you have tada - poop! Yes, Eglon's bowels are discharged, he excretes uncontrollably and the whole place stinks to high heaven!
There is more! Eglon's attendants thinking that the king is relieving himself wait outside (with the stench coming) his chamber for a looooong time. But the king has already left the vale of tears. By the time the nitwit attendants tumble to the fact of their king's gruesome death, Ehud is not just able to escape but also starts mobilizing people to kill and conquer the Moabites. After reading this story, we are sure you will ask yourself, "why does the Bible even have something like that?!"
But this was just the teaser, dear ones, as the following strange things mentioned in biblical verses will leave you shocked and flummoxed.
If in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, 28 then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. 29 You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters." - Leviticus 26:27-30
If you intend to act impudent with the Lord, then the Lord in return, intends to make you eat your own kids. You don't really want to cross Him, or else he may alight from the firmament with fork and knife and ask you to chow down on your own children.
Spousal assistance will not be met with reward but punishment, so hold your woman back!
When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. - Deuteronomy 25:11-12
So, perchance if you find yourself in a scuffle with another guy and you think that your woman can display some spousal courage and burst in on the scene and grab the other guy's member to help you, please refuse her help. Or else, you will have to have her hands cut off.
You never try to resist your assailant
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. - Matthew 5:39
If a bad guy hits you, you do not try to stop him; so if he smacks you on your right cheek, you kindly offer him your left cheek. Just as you don't apply nail paint only on one hand, you don't get slapped on one cheek only, as the one other feels left out. Fair enough.
Take the daughters, but spare the guests
Behold, I have two daughters who have not known any man. Let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please. Only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof." - Genesis 19:8
Hospitality must be every man's prime responsibility, so much so that if you find some gentlemen at your doorstep with the intention to duff up your guests, you humbly offer them your chaste daughters instead (no guesses for what). After all, guests are god, and daughters are, only daughters.
You don't work on a Sunday, if you do, then you die
Keep the Sabbath holy. You have six days to do your work, but the Sabbath is mine, and it must remain a day of rest. If you work on the Sabbath, you will no longer be part of my people, and you will be put to death. - Exodus 31:14-15
This we totally like, really, we mean it. The Sunday is rightly yours, get this straight to your boss or anyone who tries to bother you on a Sunday. And also, don't be a slogger on a Sunday, because if you do, you will be slain.
Check thy label, hun!
Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. - Leviticus 19:19
You will not wear blended fabrics under any circumstance because wearing 90% cotton with 10% nylon is tantamount to blending righteousness with unrighteousness. If you don't find anything in the pure form, you would rather stay in your pure form than be punished. Yeah.
Rearing kids so that you can snack on them when under siege
Then because of the dire straits to which you will be reduced when your enemy besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom the Lord has given you. - Deuteronomy 28:53
God, we reckon has some bone of contention with your little kiddos, or else why do you think he just keeps coming up with ideas to nosh on your own offspring? So if tomorrow you don't find any tidbit in your kitchen to put in your gob, you turn to your little one. I'm moving out.
Fashion shall bear the Lord's wrath
Then Moses said to Aaron and his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, "Do not let your hair become unkempt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community. But your relatives, all the Israelites, may mourn for those the LORD has destroyed by fire." - Leviticus 10:6
Ripped jeans? Messy bob haircut? You are so condemned. It will not just be you who will incur hostility of the Lord, but all your followers on instagram.
Capital punishment for throwing a hissy fit
Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Because they have cursed their father or mother, their blood will be on their own head. - Leviticus 20:9
We are thoroughly convinced about this. God is not happy with the little kind. You can't really control what comes out of that nasty gob of your kids, do you? We were hoping something on the lines of making your kiddo swallow the soap or beating on the buttocks, but hurling the jar of cookie on your lad's head because he threw a fit for it is a bit harsh, right?
Psychics are out to smirch you
Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God. - Leviticus 19:31
Psychics, fortune tellers, tarot card readers, et al have unsavory intentions. Keep away from them. Also keep away from Harry Potter and the likes. Unlike the horoscope page from Facebook right away.